I'm an Indonesian high school student, God's little daughter who loves to sleep. I mainly write to ease my cloudy mind, not to entertain yours. Feel free to seek for it here!
Leave a word
as if i were a marionette
Thursday, February 1, 2018 | 8:37 PM | 0 commentsToday was a mixture of stressful encounter and beautiful chaos.
It was just a normal Thursday, actually. Same routine every morning, same path I went through, same buildings, same people.
There's just this one thing that didn't feel the same.
As if it was slowly twisting into a messy rope, everything felt so surreal. I was all okay in front of people, just like how I used to be. Same laugh, same sarcasm, same facial expressions.
But, little did I know something inside me is crumbling in a very slow pace. I couldn't feel anything, I showed many emotions but none actually dominated my inner self. I couldn't be happy. I couldn't be sad. People threw words and it does sting, but... I voluntarily accepted it like I would accept the wind brushing onto my face.
I don't want to admit that I'm slowly losing control of my life, but I surely am. Day by day, everything felt so heavy and my body has grown so weary. As I'm approaching the seventeenth year of my life, every single anxiety that has been piled up for years started to burst out.
I'm mentally exhausted, and I really needed to rest. I wanted to tell everyone to stop intruding to my life. I wanted them to leave, but I'm scared of being lonely. I hate every single one of them for complicating my life, but I know they did it for my own good.
I hate that I'm starting to question my own sanity, as if I were no longer a living human but merely an insane and lifeless marionette.
honesty and its judgemental nature
Monday, January 29, 2018 | 11:53 PM | 0 commentsHave you ever thought, just exactly how thin is the line between honesty and negativity?
There's this one thing that has been ringing in my head for a while now. I don't know if it's just me, or I'm finding it harder to stick with the principles of honesty these days, in the middle of this judgemental society around me.
I just thought, this blog is the only place where I can get completely honest with all my sentimental feelings without worrying about being judged.
So here it is.
I've been dealing with a lot of insecurities for the past few weeks. It feels like every single thing around me is invisibly choking the death out of my soul. All the pressures of making decisions, choosing alternatives, even the smallest things made me feel mentally unwell each day.
It's not for nothing, really. I actually noticed the reason behind all these madness in me. A reason that would make everyone suddenly become a keyboard warrior in front of me.
I'm simply afraid of being judged.
I'm fully aware that all these people didn't mean to give judgemental responses toward my honesty, but it hurts really bad for me. Funny, but I don't exactly know why. How could a few words hurt someone so badly?
Whenever I talk about these issues, I always get the exact same responses.
"Why the hell would you care about people's opinions?"
"Live your life the way you wanted it to be"
"Don't live by people's words"
Let me state one simple thing: unfortunately I'm not deaf enough to ignore those voices nor blind enough to ignore the "encouraging-yet-judgemental" texts. Words could kill, you know. If I could live without having to worry about people's opinions, then I should've done it since decades ago.
How I wish, at least I have one person to ramble about all my trashes and s/he would say "it's okay at least you're still alive." I myself is impressed by the fact that I'm still living and breathing to this day, and I haven't done anything stupid so far.
But, did you know? It's slowly killing me. Not physically, but mentally. I'm tired of having to keep my words sugar-coated. I'm tired of pretending that I'll always be okay while in fact I'm completely broken. Don't ask me why am I being like this, it's just that my inner self is screaming in agony and it's getting louder each day.
I know I'm mentally not okay and I should seek for help. But again, in this society, they would thought of me as a teenager struggling through her puberty. Poor you puberty, you were always been blamed for these matters.
Am I that desperate? Yes. I wrote everything with explicit words, because where else can I do such thing? I write to ease my mind, not for your entertainment purposes.
I'll write again soon, after I get better.